I got to practice changing my self-talk yesterday, after I picked up my scooter from the shop. When I arrived, what I thought was a $500 set of repairs and a tuneup turned out to be closer to $700. That was a lot more money than I had hoped to pay.
During the scooter ride home I started to freak out a little about it: "$700 is a lot of money!... I'm going to be unemployed soon.... Why didn't I hold off on getting those repairs done?... Why didn't they quote me an accurate estimate of what it would cost?...Why am I so helpless about mechanical things?"
Later on, I calmed down and assessed the situation and was able to put it in a better frame:
"Yes, it's a lot of money. But it's to make sure my primary means of transportation can reliably and safely take me from place to place. That's not something to go cheap on."
"I trust my shop to only do necessary work. They have never tried to cheat or upsell me before."
"I'm glad I got this done while I still am employed and earning income. It would be much more painful to get this work done if I had no income coming in."
The other night I was was having dinner with a new friend in a dingy but comfortable Mexican restaurant in Oakland. Over veggie tacos, she was telling me about a project she was working on, one that she moved to the Bay Area specifically for. She recounted how much work had already gone into it, and how unprepared she felt to tackle all the things that were left to do. She described how many ways it could go wrong, which were numerous.
“Wow,” I said. “It kind of sounds like a fucking disaster.”
She grew serious, looked down at her food, and said softly, "Please don't call it that. This is really important to me."
It was like a ton of bricks fell on me.
I realized instantly that I had just insulted something that my friend was clearly very emotionally invested in. The rest of our conversation was pretty awkward after that.
I played and replayed the conversation back in my head several times that night after we parted. The next morning I apologized profusely for being a thoughtless idiot. She forgave me and we’ve been good ever since.
I’ve been thinking about that interaction – how it went from light banter to awkward and serious in an instant – and comparing it to how people interact with each other online.
There are lots of wonderful aspects of online conversation -- the way that people hack culture to create funny or moving juxtapositions, the strange bits of obscure media that instantly become memes, the odd things that happen when co-workers, friends, family and random strangers all post in the same thread. We’re constantly inventing new ways of interacting, as technology gets faster and different kind of media become more available. Dubsmash, anyone?
But there’s also a lot to face-to-face interaction that online discourse can’t match. The perceptible change in gravity when someone mentions a common friend who passed away last year. The spirited banter of a group of friends after successfully completing some kind of test. The expectant pause as a desired other considers your offer of an afterwork drink.
Sociologists and social psychologists postulate that somewhere between 75-90% of communication in a face-to-face interaction is nonverbal. What you say is often not as important as how you say it, and the context in which it is said. Here are a few aspects that go into any face-to-face interaction:
Your posture
Your distance from the other person
What your eyes are focused on
Your facial expression
Your gestures
The tone and volume of your voice
The speed of your speech, and length of pauses
Other environmental aspects:
Your power relationship to the other person (father to son, lovers, strangers)
What was said just prior to what you are saying now
What other sounds and conversations are going on around you
The formal or formal nature of the interaction (job interview, casual coffee)
The temperature, light, air quality, humidity
Any one of these factors if changed could alter the nature of the conversation, make a difference between what is expressed and what is heard, change the outcome of the interaction.
From this context, online interactions seem relatively crude and simple by comparison. They are still largely text based, often simple threaded conversations, with one person typing something, and someone else replying back. The kind of emotional tone of speech is only roughly approximated by adding an emoticon 😎💰🎉or using fake code like <sarcasm>.
At the Mexican restaurant, it took me only a few milliseconds to perceive that I had hurt the feelings of my friend. But it was as clear as day to me from her body language, the tone of her voice, how she looked away from me.
Which makes me think of all the ways that we can miscommunicate or poorly communicate with each other online. What may begin as a simple question or an innocuous status update might spiral into a huge flame war, because we miss the nuance of what the person was trying to express. Two people who might find common ground in person find themselves locked into a heated and crass argument online. The other person isn’t even a person, with their own motivations and feelings -- they are just pixels on a screen.
It makes sense really. We’ve evolved for tens of thousands of years expressing ourselves to each other face-to-face. We’ve only been “talking” online for the last 30 years or so.
We’re taught from the earliest age how we are expected to act with others in person (“Don’t forget to thank your grandma for the present.” “Say you’re sorry to your sister for breaking her toy.”) Who is teaching us civility online? What are the norms for discussing an issue with someone you don’t agree with, but wish to convince?
All these issues are playing out in real-time before us on Twitter, YouTube, Reddit and Facebook. Most of it is pretty messy and hard to watch. But it shouldn’t be surprising. Just because we have invented new tools for interaction doesn’t mean we created a new culture and methods for interacting civilly and peacefully.
Maybe what we need is not faster internet bandwidth and higher video resolution, but greater emotional bandwidth and richer social conventions. Less content and more context. Less talking and more listening. (I’m personally a big fan of long, awkward pauses.)
I don’t know exactly what that would look like. It won’t be a new Miss Manners or Robert’s Rules of Order. Maybe we need a new hypertext mark-up language, a common communication standard that allowed more of the richness of human interaction to come through. Or a richer "profile" that allows the complex humanity of another person to come through, even someone you strongly disagree with. Or tools to force people to pause and consider their actions before rashly posting a snide remark, an insult, or personal attack.
Some of those technologies are being worked on right now. I hope to post more soon about what those are and how they might improve our discourse online.
Let’s invent ways to bring more of our humanity online, not just our words. (And eat more tacos.)
An older figure I know has devoted his entire life to his profession. He’s excellent at it. It's also the only thing he has practiced with any kind of dedication or passion for the last 40 or so years of his life. So now that he is in retirement age, he doesn't have much else that interests him. So he clings to his work, when he should be enjoying his golden years.
Another influential figure in my life has always been a huge foodie. He loved to cook, enjoyed eating out, was obsessed with all the cooking shows. Sadly, he has slowly lost the ability to taste food as he has grown older. He has stopped cooking and doesn't the same joy out of dining out or experiencing new flavors and cuisines.
I write this to remind myself of the importance of cultivating a variety of passions in one’s life.
There is the temptation to devote oneself to the singular pursuit of one thing -- your job, your partner, a specific form of art. It's a tendency that I am particularly prone to. But what if something happens to make that part of your life no longer available?
I love dancing so much. But what would happen if dancing were no longer possible, if my body no longer cooperated with my spirit? Where would I find my joy? I don't know the answer to that, and that kind of scares me.
Much of the other things I pursue are also very focused on the body and movement: rock climbing, running, biking. What if I couldn’t continue to do those things?
When I was younger I used to have many quieter, more calm pursuits: long-form reading, writing poetry, meditation, tai chi. I feel like I need to more diligently nurture those practices, or they won’t be readily available to me when I need them.
Your hobbies and activities are kind of like plants in your spiritual vegetable garden. If you only grow spinach and the crop goes bad, what will you eat? Better to have a variety of pursuits growing in your life, so if one were to wither, you would still have something else to fill you up inside, to feel satisfied.
I’m going to meditate on that for a bit... After I get back from the climbing gym.
I just finished Designing Your Life by Bill Burnett and Dave Evans. A present from a good friend (Thanks, Barry!), it comes at a perfect time in my life, as I contemplate a career shift.
Designing Your Life is essentially a guide to applying a design-thinking process to career planning. As someone who has done and taught design for many years, the book really resonated with me.
I particularly liked the sections "Wayfinding" and "Designing Your Lives." In "Wayfinding" you review your recent work activities to identify the areas where you were most engaged and most happy, as a way if identifying your passions and interests. As someone who likes to log his work fairly meticulously, this was a fun exercise.
In the "Design Your Lives" section, you create three alternative future life scenarios – one based on a fairly conservative alternative to your current situation, one that is more out of the box, and one that is completely in a new direction, where practicality or money are not concerns. You map out each of these scenarios for five years, imagining how they would play out and how you would advance in your career.
In the "Prototyping" section, the author's encourage you to go on "Life Design Interviews" where you talk with people who are living some version of the life you are considering pursuing. Out of this, you get insights into whether or not this feels like something you would enjoy, if there are specific areas of concern that jump out, and if there are things you would need to do to prepare for that direction. This is the opposite of a job interview -- you are interviewing the person about their job, not the job you want.
In the view of the author's, it's this process of conducting a lot of "Life Design Interviews," connecting with lots of people in the areas you are interested in, that naturally leads to job possibilities. They aren't talking about 2-3 interviews either. One example cited 47 interviews, another 200!
I'm not sure that this is always the best strategy to find a new job. but I do think that it sounds better than the traditional Internet search, submit your resume online and pray approach.
For me, I am exactly in that "Life Design Interview" phase, where I want to talk to a lot of people who are interested in what I'm interested in. Luckily, I'm not in any great hurry to make a career decision tomorrow. So I am grateful for the opportunity to connect and learn from a lot of people.
Today on my lunch break, I was walking to a restaurant in the Inner Sunset when I came upon two older men kind of sprawled on the ground on top of each other. There was grunting and grappling, one with his arm around the neck of the other. A nearby bike was knocked over on its side.
There were several people passing by and staring, including 3-4 burly looking dudes who looked like construction workers. But no one was doing anything.
I considered walking across the street, thinking surely someone would do something. But something inside compelled me to get closer.
"Hey, stop that shit!" I yelled at both of them.
"This guy attacked me!" one of the men yelled back.
"Let each other go and step away!" I shouted, getting in closer. "Walk away!"
One of the guys on closer inspection looked kind of... off. His hair was kind of a mess and his clothes were pretty beat up. He was grabbing onto the arm of the other guy.
After I shouted some more, the bedraggled guy started letting the other guy go. And then a half-dozen cops appeared out of nowhere, taking charge of the situation and separating the two.
And that was it. I went on to get my lunch and go back to work.
I do wonder what would have happened if the cops hadn't shown up. I didn't really have much of a plan other than to try to get them to stop fighting.
Anyway I'm glad I intervened. I'm grateful it didn't look like anyone was seriously hurt in the scuffle. Perhaps the situation would have gotten a lot worse if I hadn't acted.
The ray tank at the California Academy of Sciences.
Chiara and Krystal doing the choreo I created for the Shimmy Shakers routine.
So many shoes, for so many activities!
Crushing my health goals in 2017!
Always a blast when my niece Aria and I get to play together.
Wonderful family picnic with the cousins.
Breaking it down at Day Breaker event in Oakland.
Twinsies with Julia in Dolores Park!
Skyping with my mentors Eve Gaus and Barry Joseph.
My best buddy Mole Negro.
On the set at SwingNation.
At the Museum of Science and Industry, Chicago.
Scooter life.
Best Lindy Focus pic ever with my buddy Miranda.
Juliana is goddam fantastic as a dapper dame.
I'm so grateful for all the blessings in my life, the wonderful people in my community, and the many gifts that I've been given. All in all, not a bad year at all.
Every once in awhile I feel guilty about all the time and energy I spend on dancing, when I could be out fighting injustice, building homes for the poor or lobbying Congress more. And then I finish a kick-ass dance weekend and head off to my job on Monday morning feeling inspiring and happy, and it all comes back to me why.
I wrote this after a challenge from Fog City Stomp last weekend to "share what makes this community special" to you. Maybe it will speak to your condition:
In these times of senseless violence, incredible injustices in our country, and terrifying global challenges, we need places of safety, community, and simple joys even more.
Good music, shared movement, friendly competition, exuberant showcases of talent, knowledge sharing -- those are all important and valid expressions of community. Lindy hop has all of those things and more. It has humans of all ages, races, gender identities and sexual orientations sharing precious musical moments with each other, one dance at a time.
Feeling fearful, panicky, and anxious does not get us out of the messes that we've made. It's acting out of love, passion, and inspiration. Lindy hop gives me all of that in abundance. It helps me go back out into the world and be a better human after the dance has ended. I hope that it does that for you as well.
Looking back on my life, I would say that most of it has been spent as a single person. Across the span of nearly three decades as an adult, I've only had a few instances where I was in a committed relationship. And for the most part, I'm just fine with that.
Recently this article came across my social media feed, "When Can I Say that I'll be Alone Forever?" A lot of it spoke to my condition, particularly the sense of feeling somehow lacking because you aren't in a committed relationship.
It reminded me that while I am alone, I'm not lonely. In fact, I'm pretty damn happy as a chronically single person.
Some folks asked me if I had any thoughts or tips about how to be happily single, in a world where the culture wants you to feel incomplete without someone constantly by your side. I wish I had a magic Ten Step Plan. A lot of it was just trial and error for me. But here's my thoughts on the matter:
That perfect person who will meet all of your needs and fill all of those blank spaces inside of you doesn't exist. Seek completeness in yourself, whatever that might mean for you.
Be at home in your body. You don't need to an Olympic athlete. But do what it takes to lively healthily, feel strong, and be okay with how you look in the mirror.
Get your spiritual, existential house in order. A significant part of the frantic drive for companionship is the fear of "dying alone." Find a spiritual path or community that helps you purge that fear from your heart. I'm a semi-practicing Quaker. That could work for you, or another tradition. (Okay, maybe not evangelical capitalism.)
Try and be motivated by love and inspiration more than fear. Are you running from something or toward something?
Make progress on your personal "bucket list." Don't have a ton of "I could haves" lying around your heart. Make plans to go sky-diving, learn to bachata, or visit your relatives in the old country.
Be kind and gentle to yourself. I can be very hard on myself and have to actively practice forgiveness and tolerance for my own foibles. Sometimes while riding my bike, I will say outloud, "Rik, you did the best you could back there. And you'll do better next time." Self-love is a legitimate form of love.
Take care of those around you. It's hard to feel sorry for yourself while you are helping someone who just lost their job or is grieving a dead pet.
I guess none of these are exclusive to chronically single people. Really it's about being the best human you can be. But if you are rolling solo, having this stuff in order makes it a whole heck of a lot easier, and more fun.
I'm an old fan of Anne Lamott, a writer's writer and a constantly inspiring figure in my life. So I was so pleased to stumble across this TED Talk she did earlier this year on "12 Truths from Life and Writing."
"Lay, a hunchback as well as a dwarf, was the world’s first revolutionary abolitionist. Against the common sense of the day, when slavery seemed to most people as immutable as the stars in the heavens, Lay imagined a new world in which people would live simply, make their own food and clothes, and respect nature. He lived in a cave in Abington, Pa., ate only fruits and vegetables — “the innocent fruits of the earth” — and championed animal rights. He refused to consume any commodity produced by slave labor and was known to walk abruptly out of a dinner in protest when he found out that his host owned slaves."
I admit to not being the most diligent Quaker in the past few years. But this has put the war-fighting spirit of George Fox back in me.
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